Shark Night 3D

A weekend at a lake house in the Louisiana Gulf turns into a nightmare for seven vacationers as they are subjected to shark attacks.

Warning: SPOILERS follow.

Feasibility Factor: A nice solid ZERO. Remember, in this category, the lower the score the better, and Shark Night 3D definitely is as over-the-top as they come. The entirety of the foolishness would take ages to cover, but let me give you the bottom line: three barely-educated hicks manage to capture a massive number of sharks (some of which are Jaws-size) and move them (without anybody noticing) to their local salt-water resort lake. Why, you may ask? So they can film people being killed by the sharks and make a mint selling their aquatic snuff films, of course. (Never mind that most of the deaths occur when the men aren’t even present.) Enough said.

Hilarity Quotient: I give it a six. I honestly laughed out loud several times. The giant shark snatching the guy off his jet-ski by his head was one of the better B-movie moments I’ve seen in a while.

Re-Watchability: This is where the film truly suffers. On the second viewing, the only thing entertaining was the sharks.

Random Other-Ness:

• Eye Candy: Not bad if you like men. Not great if you like women. No superfluous nudity. Only a glimpse of side-boob.
• Opening scene is basically the opening scene of Jaws, revisited. It’s practically identical. Not sure if that’s a plus or a minus.
• Characters TSTL? Not as bad as in a lot of other movies, honestly. I give it points for this. While I like the movie plot to be ludicrous, I kind of like the characters to be believable.
• The end goes on and on and on. There are multiple scenes of the bad guys monologuing. There’s also some backstory about how the main character had been diving several years earlier with her boyfriend (now the #1 Baddy) and maybe her tank ran out of oxygen, or maybe it didn’t, and somehow it resulted in her running over her boyfriend with the boat. Huh? And of course at the end, they rehash it, and I swear it goes on for fucking ever. The fun of a good B-Movie is that we don’t get mired down in boring bullshit like this. I don’t turn movies like Shark Night 3D on for deep plots. I turn them on to keep me entertained while I’m doing mundane household chores like sorting socks. Quit blathering and let the shark bite somebody’s arm off already!

Extra Credit: Nah.

Bottom line: Assuming that the best grade a B-movie can get is a B+, I give Shark Night 3D a C-. Fun enough the first time through. Good enough to distract me on laundry day, but it won’t ever be on my frequently-watched list.