This is a tough movie to review. I suppose whether or not it’s a good B-movie depends greatly on what exactly you want out of your cheesetastic entertainment. If the answer is, “BOOBS!” then this movie is for you.

Feasibility Factor: An underwater earthquake opens up a rift which allows a massive swarm of bloodthirsty piranha to take over a lake. Granted, prehistoric piranha rising from the depths is pretty far-fetched. However, beyond that, there’s not really enough of a plot to be infeasible. In this category, the lower the score, the better. I give Piranha 3D a three.

Hilarity Quotient: I give it a four. While there are a couple of funny scenes, a lot of the hilarity is ruined by other things (usually boobs and/or the extreme overuse of 3D technology).

Re-Watchability: Honestly, if there were a made for TV version, I’d probably give it a high re-watchability rating, but this version? Probably not.

Other Randomness:

• Star factor: If this movie has a saving grace, it’s the actors: Elizabeth Shue is damn good in it! There’s also Christopher Lloyd (playing the same mumbling, befuddled guy he plays in every movie), Richard Dreyfuss (in a cameo), Ving Rhames, and Jerry O’Connell.
• Eye Candy: If you like boys, there’s almost none at all. Steven R. McQueen is cute if you like baby-faced kids, but other than him, a disembodied penis being regurgitated by killer fish is all we get. I thought this was the era of equal-opportunity gratuitousness, so it’s rather disappointing. If you like girls, however, there’s boobs. Boobs, boobs, and more boobs. All of them silicone. Most of them nude. Some of them being shaken 3D-style right in your face. Lots and lots and lots of boobs. The made for TV version will be at least twenty minutes shorter, just due to lack of boob.
• Gore: Some of the fun of a good B-movie is the gore, and this movie definitely delivers in that category. The “Everybody panic!” scene at the end is B-movie gold. It was fun and perfectly over-the-top. The problem is, so many of the shots were obviously contrived just to allow for some 3D silliness, which I find annoying. Also, BOOBS. God forbid an actress die without showing us her boobs first.

Extra Credit: Not too much for the title, but I do give it extra credit for the last two seconds of the film. Best laugh I had all movie.

Bottom Line: Top grade a B-movie can get is a B+. I give this movie a D-. Personally, I’d rather see a lot more humor and a lot less boob.

Shark Night 3D

A weekend at a lake house in the Louisiana Gulf turns into a nightmare for seven vacationers as they are subjected to shark attacks.

Warning: SPOILERS follow.

Feasibility Factor: A nice solid ZERO. Remember, in this category, the lower the score the better, and Shark Night 3D definitely is as over-the-top as they come. The entirety of the foolishness would take ages to cover, but let me give you the bottom line: three barely-educated hicks manage to capture a massive number of sharks (some of which are Jaws-size) and move them (without anybody noticing) to their local salt-water resort lake. Why, you may ask? So they can film people being killed by the sharks and make a mint selling their aquatic snuff films, of course. (Never mind that most of the deaths occur when the men aren’t even present.) Enough said.

Hilarity Quotient: I give it a six. I honestly laughed out loud several times. The giant shark snatching the guy off his jet-ski by his head was one of the better B-movie moments I’ve seen in a while.

Re-Watchability: This is where the film truly suffers. On the second viewing, the only thing entertaining was the sharks.

Random Other-Ness:

• Eye Candy: Not bad if you like men. Not great if you like women. No superfluous nudity. Only a glimpse of side-boob.
• Opening scene is basically the opening scene of Jaws, revisited. It’s practically identical. Not sure if that’s a plus or a minus.
• Characters TSTL? Not as bad as in a lot of other movies, honestly. I give it points for this. While I like the movie plot to be ludicrous, I kind of like the characters to be believable.
• The end goes on and on and on. There are multiple scenes of the bad guys monologuing. There’s also some backstory about how the main character had been diving several years earlier with her boyfriend (now the #1 Baddy) and maybe her tank ran out of oxygen, or maybe it didn’t, and somehow it resulted in her running over her boyfriend with the boat. Huh? And of course at the end, they rehash it, and I swear it goes on for fucking ever. The fun of a good B-Movie is that we don’t get mired down in boring bullshit like this. I don’t turn movies like Shark Night 3D on for deep plots. I turn them on to keep me entertained while I’m doing mundane household chores like sorting socks. Quit blathering and let the shark bite somebody’s arm off already!

Extra Credit: Nah.

Bottom line: Assuming that the best grade a B-movie can get is a B+, I give Shark Night 3D a C-. Fun enough the first time through. Good enough to distract me on laundry day, but it won’t ever be on my frequently-watched list.