Lessee, lessee, do we have everything? Case of Cherry Diet Coke? Check. Chocolate? Check. Socks to knit? Check. Supernatural D.V.D’s? Check, check, and check. Good. Good good good good. Now, I just need my blankie, a pillow, and my teddy bear, and we’re all up for a nice long stay in the crazy tree. Excellent. Let me pull my knees up to my chest and my blankie over my head, and…Aaaahhhhhh…
Awesome. I’m all ready for my book release now!
So, Talker’s Redemption came out on Wednesday, January 19th. Whenever I have a new release, people always ask me, “Aren’t you excited?”
Erm… sort of?
I mean, the pit of my stomach is a mess, and my chest is all cold and I’ve got this buzzing down my back from the bottom of my ass to the crown of my head and I find it hard to breathe. So, well, I’m either excited, or having a panic attack—it’s really sort of an either/or proposition. And this, my friends, is why we have the Crazy Tree.
Now, the Crazy Tree is not necessarily a new idea—but Mary Calmes and myself have dedicated ourselves to perfecting the art of Hiding Out in the Crazy Tree. We have a few phases of Crazy Tree occupation, and some tips for getting down, and I thought I’d share.
Oh God, oh God… I hear something. Masses, coming with torches and pitchforks because I’ve profaned the art of fiction, maybe? The thought police, coming to say that usually, they just overlook genre writers, but for ME, they’ll make an exception? A fan who really loved the first one but thought the sequel sucked! WHERE’S MY OTHER BLANKIE! There we go. My blankie fort, my teddy bear, let me just rock back and forth and sing some random song, (in honor of Talker’s Redemption, we’ll make it Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy”) and we’ll make it all go away.
Step One: Angst
Angst is usually self-generated, and it comes from conflicting sources. For Talker’s Redemption, I’ve got “sequel anxiety”—it’s a sequel, everyone loved the first one, I’m afraid it won’t live up. For The Locker Room (coming in April) I’ve got “new character anxiety”—nobody has heard of these guys, I’ve done some stuff the same and some stuff different, and I’m afraid it won’t live up. For Hammer & Air I had “too much sex anxiety”, for Bewitched by Bella’s Brother I had “I don’t usually do comedy anxiety”, for Guarding the Vampire’s Ghost I had “no one likes or cares bout the meta-story anxiety”—you name a release and there’s a reason I’ve been absolutely sure people would hate it.
You take that one reason, your blankie, your teddy bear, and there you go—you’ve got your knapsack of comfort food (Mary Calmes sends me pb&j with the crust cut off, because otherwise my only food group would be oreos and McDonalds chocolate chip cookies) and you’ve written you “I’m checking out for a while” letter to your family, and you’ve got one foot on the bottom rung up the tree-house ladder. It’s useless to try and stop it. My family has gotten to the point where the teenagers are like, “What’s up with mom?”
“What do you mean?”
“She’s comatose in front of the computer, checking endlessly for some sort of change at goodreads.com.”
“She’s got a new release out—she’s totally in the crazy tree.”
“Is she going to be all right? She keeps twitching! I think she has to go to the bathroom!”
“Well, you know. She’ll go eventually. I just hope she remembers to feed us. It’s been a whole hour!”
(They are teenagers. They feed like locusts.)
Wait… wait… someone’s calling my name! It could be Mary, trying to talk me down… it could be the rabid voice of my conscience saying I should be a fry cook instead. Let me just turn the volume up on Supernatural, and I’ll try to drown it out. Ohh… good. It’s the one where Dean’s all sexy and Sam’s all pouty. I like this one.
Step Two: Over-reaction
Of course, someone is going to leave you feedback. I usually deal with seeing my first review or my first rating in the following way.
“AAACCCKKKKK!!!! RUN AWAY!”
(“Where’s mom going now?” “I think she finally went to the bathroom.”)
It doesn’t matter whether it’s a five star or a one star—I run screaming into never-never land just so I don’t have to deal with it. And there I am, having just frog-hopped up half a giant birch or sentinel oak, crouching in my self-made fort of anxiety and hyper-imagination. Voila. Crazy Tree achieved. There I am, my whole kit out, swearing that I’m not cut out for this business and wondering if they’d still take me back at my college job of flipping burgers and asking “Would you like fries with that?”
Of course, the five-star review IS easier to come back and face, but even the one-star review must someday be read, and I could say that the Crazy Tree is an easy place to stay, but it’s not. Because, anxiety and over-reaction or no, the fact is, I actually labored over that piece of writing receiving feedback and… and… oh God. I really need to look. I mean… it’s my baby, right? And literary babies or real babies, we all know that even if they don’t squish out that attractively, but there is something of beauty in all of them. So we’ve got to see if the rest of the world sees it too. It’s a compulsion. It’s necessary. I mean, with the real babies, you realize that they’ll get prettier growing up. With the literary babies, you hope you’ll make the next one prettier when it comes out. You’re always striving to make a ‘perfect’ baby, right? Well, the feedback, even the one-star feedback, helps with that. So I need to look. Because I really am too old to go back to McDonalds, even as a manager.
“Amy…”
Uh-oh… there’s a voice penetrating the Supernatural video playing at top volume.
“Go away!”
“Amy!”
“Go away!”
“Amy, get your ass down here now!”
“Go away! Talker 2 came out this week!”
“Yeah, yeah, and you’ve had your time up there, but it’s over!”
“But… but…but…”
“But nothing! The Servant came out this week too, did you forget that? Now get your ass out of the Crazy Tree right the fuck now, because there’s only room for one of us up there and IT’S MY TURN!”
*sniffle * “Okay, Mary. I guess you’re right. Fair’s fair. But, uhm, can I finish this episode first?
* sigh* “Look, just scoot over a little, will ya? I like this one too. But you gotta get out of here eventually—don’t you have a WIP?”
“Yeah. Living Promises is under construction. It’s shaping up nice…HEY! I thought you said we could finish the episode!”
“Living Promises? Get your ass out of the Crazy Tree, woman—you have work to do!”
“Yeah, I don’t see you working on your next Warder story!”
“I don’t care! My turn in the Crazy Tree. Move it! And change out of those pajamas—they’re getting rank!”
* grumbles* “Yeah, yeah, everyone’s a critic!”
Step Three: Getting Down
Getting down from the crazy tree really only involves three little words.
Work. In. Progress.
There’s always another romance, another plot, another herd of plot-bunnies, humping away in your head. They don’t end, even when you’re catatonic, spazzing out in the Crazy Tree. You give yourself a little time to stress, and then call it a day. You climb down, you sit yourself in front of your brain extension (mine’s a Mac) and you type like your life depends on it.
I mean, the Crazy Tree is always in the backyard, right? You can climb up any time.
“Mary! Mary? you hear me?”
“Go away! It’s the episode where Sam’s pouty and Dean’s sexy—I love this one!”
“People LOVE The Servant. It’s leaving Hammer & Air in the dust—come on down, my darling, it’s all good, I swear.”
“You promise?”
“I promise. Besides—you only have so many pb&j’s in there, and you know how much I hate to cook.”
“Okay, but people better be nice to me when I get down.”
“They will be, darling. And if they’re not, don’t worry about it. We’ll kick ‘em in the shins. You don’t watch all those episodes of Supernatural without learning how to kick a little ass, right?”
*sniffle* “Right. Right. Okay. I’m coming down.”
“Awesome. So what’s that new Warder book called?”
And away we go. 
I forgot to add: please leave a comment for a chance to win an ebook of Talker’s Redemption. Also, be sure you check back on Sunday for The Crazy Tree, Part 2 by Mary Calmes.
Tracy
/ February 1, 2011(Feel like I’m coming a bit late to this discussion but I’m not as good at keeping up as I’d like because there’s…y’know…laundry and dishes piled up in my kitchen…)
Read both Talker and Talker’s Redemption in the last couple of days (in the correct order, and it was a re-read of Talker) and I bawled. Just SOBBED. Thank God the kids were at school and the DH at work.
but that’s good.
After all, I still read Little Women every year at Christmas, just like every other year since I was 10 (and now MY little girl is 10 and just got her own copy) simply because it makes me cry so hard. Sometimes it’s hard to cry by yourself; you need a little help to get there.
And sometimes it’s good to remind yourself that, yeah, people really do have lives and issues like these, and because Real Life is not like books, some of them may never get even their Happy For Now, much less their Happy Ever After. Or they could be the guy on the corner who seems so well-adjusted NOW, but if you knew him 5, 10, 15 years ago….Whoooo, buddy!
So, thank you for touching my heart.
UKSandy
/ January 22, 2011I read Talker this week and absolutely loved it.
Lauren
/ January 21, 2011Oh, this was hilarious. Now I have to go check out the first book, because I am OCD about reading books in order. Looking forward to hearing more about the Crazy Tree, because it sounds similar to what I do when I turn in a story in class. Not as big a deal at all, but it’s nice to know it’s not just me.
amy lane
/ January 21, 2011Apparently it’s all of us! Imagine my relief!
Ethan
/ January 21, 2011I really loved Talker. I’d love to get the sequel. Marie, thanks for the chance to get some insight into this talented lady.
amy lane
/ January 21, 2011I don’t know, Ethan– my husband keeps saying my brain is a scary place:-)
Tam
/ January 21, 2011Brilliant piece Amy. I see it got a good review so hopefully that helped a titch. You’re a very funny lady and I look forward to this one, even though I’m told I have to be in the right place when I read it. But I will.
amy lane
/ January 21, 2011Make sure it’s well lighted and stocked with vodka and cookies, Tam. No lie!
Lauren G
/ January 21, 2011best guest post ever
I loved the first book, very excited about this one!
amy lane
/ January 21, 2011*g* I hope you like this one!
Moria
/ January 21, 2011Love this and now want a crazy tree of my own! It’s so true…lol.
amy lane
/ January 21, 2011We’ll start a calendar– it can be a time share!
Chris
/ January 21, 2011But you still manage to send emails from the Crazy Tree…
Feliz Faber
/ January 21, 2011Oh Amy, Amy… *fangirl wave*
I can’t believe you still crawl up the crazy tree. People LOVE your stuff; I’m willing to knit you a sweater with that stitched in BIG letters across the front and back if you don’t believe me!
Hopefully I’ll join you up there two months from now. No, I think I’ll crawl past you and cling to the very top, given it doesn’t bend under my weight.
I’ll have salted macadamias, thanks.
amy lane
/ January 21, 2011*waves back* *g* I’ll make sure to stock the salted macadamias! (I had some T-shirts made up a while back that say “It sucketh not, neither doth it bore!” I still wear those:-)
Lesley Hastings
/ January 21, 2011Hahahaha, well, I suppose it’s good to know that even well established authors still go through this stuff. It’s been two weeks since my first novella came out, and I’m still obsessively checking Goodreads, and stressing about whether or not people are actually buying my book, and… that teddy bear is sounding really good right now.
amy lane
/ January 21, 2011OH honey– EVERYONE goes through it. I assume I will learn to cope better, but in the meantime, the Crazy Tree IS coping!
K. Z. Snow
/ January 21, 2011Oh yeah. The reasons for hating my stories — let me count the ways (before readers start enumerating them). “Be prepared! Expect the worst and you won’t be disappointed!”
I just go into avoidance mode and assume the above. Seeing two stars without any explanation on Goodreads only puts bugs in my brain. Thinking I’ll have to get on eBay again to auction off all the extra assholes Mrs. Giggles has drilled me only puts bigger bugs in my brain. Besides, we’re constantly being told reviews are for readers, not authors. Right? So I figure avoidance is perfectly justified.
Marie Sexton
/ January 21, 2011I’m with you. I do my best these days to NEVER look.
amy lane
/ January 21, 2011You guys are so wise and so strong… I’m not that strong. I send out my little prayer with every book, “Merciful Goddess, Holy God, LET IT NOT SUCK!” I just need to make sure it doesn’t, that’s all!
Marie Sexton
/ January 21, 2011It was not an easy habit to break, but I think my sanity is safer for having done it.
Of course, we’ll see how my resolve is when I finally have a new release again.
amy lane
/ January 21, 2011After a book is out for a while, I rest a little and stop freaking out… but in those first weeks? I’m sort of a wreck. *sigh* That’s life as a walking clitoris, I guess– one little touch and I’m like “WAHHH! WEEHOOHOOHOO!!!”
Rebecca Fullan
/ January 21, 2011Ha! This is terrific! I do love when someone can describe my less-secure feelings so perfectly that suddenly I feel like they are funny and common and possibly not actually based in reality, rather than a true reflection of the world.
amy lane
/ January 21, 2011There is NO reality allowed in the crazy tree–you’re in luck!
amy lane
/ January 21, 2011*g* I’m glad you all liked it! (Both the post AND Talker 2!) What’s cracking me up is that so many of people are going, “Oh yeah! I’ve BEEN there!” It’s awesome to have struck a chord… maybe I can climb down now!
Christopher Koehler
/ January 21, 2011So this is what I have to look forward to late next month when Rocking the Boat comes out? Woot woot!
Sarah
/ January 21, 2011Oh, thank god! I thought it was just me! In fact, it almost seems as though you’ve been spying on me! *eyes you suspiciously*
The good news is that it isn’t just me! I’m not crazy, I just need a crazy tree! Congrats on the new release–I saw an outstanding review for it this morning, so I’m guessing you’ll be climbing down soon.
Carol
/ January 21, 2011I enjoyed this. And it made me feel better. I’m not alone in all those crazy, mixed-up anxieties about a release…the too much of this, too much of that syndrome.
But…CONGRATULATIONS! The book(s) sound wonderful!
BlueSmokey
/ January 21, 2011Love the crazy tree:) Sounds a little small though. Maybe you should think of expansion so you can both watch Supernatural in comfort but of course that could mean neither of you will come out;)
Cori O'Toole
/ January 21, 2011I’m thinking there’s nothing to worry about with Talker’s Redemption, Amy. I haven’t read anything by you that I haven’t LOVED
Zamaxfield
/ January 21, 2011I think I have my own version of the crazy tree… I like yours better.
Ann Byassee
/ January 21, 2011Hey, if there are Supernatural episodes playing in the Crazy Tree, I’m all for it! At this point, though, I’m still so thrilled to HAVE SOMETHING PUBLISHED, that the reviews barely faze me–good, bad or indifferent.
However, when it comes to you and Mary, the leaves in the Crazy Tree are all star-shaped! And I hope that tree is sturdy, because you’ll have readers shaking it to get you down if it means more “Promises” and “Warder” ‘verse stories!
I LOVED Talker. I’m sure I’ll love the sequel, too, so put me down for the contest and if I don’t win, I’ll get it anyway.
Patricia
/ January 21, 2011Such angst from such wonderful writers…..I love the crazy tree though.
Talker’s Redemption will be great, it’s in my TBR pile.
Congrats, Amy!!
Mary, you rock, too!!
Amberly
/ January 21, 2011I laughed and giggled and may have even chortled a few times. Lovely post and good luck Amy Lane
Amberly
Janel
/ January 21, 2011I loved Talker and am really looking forward to this sequel. What a wonderful sense of humor Amy has. I really enjoyed this post.
Christopher Craven
/ January 21, 2011Absolutely loved this guest post! What a wonderful sense of humor and to be honest, I really can relate to about 125% percent of this.